Emotional Baggage

I recently met someone very open and intense.  He hinted about things in his past that were ugly and dark.  We had only talked 5 times total.  And I wondered, "Why are you telling me this?"  Perhaps I should have been flattered.  That he'd trust me with these intimate details about his life.

But mostly, it made me think about how much I keep to myself.  My emotions don't fit in a dainty little purse, but a sack as big as the one Santa carries over his shoulder.  I probably carry more emotional baggage than the average person.  Not because I've had a traumatic childhood or that hard a life but because I've never gotten good at lightening my load.

I am too much of an introvert.  An internalizer.  Only when asked and even then, I might decline to answer the questioner.  Because I didn't want to burden anyone or let them come too close to me.  For I remember a dinner I had with a boy.  In which he asked about my family.  And I answered honestly.  And he looked surprised and said that I was surprisingly cheerful considering what I'd been through.  I smiled, but I didn't know my history had been so tragic until he had said it.

Sense and Seasons


you tasted like sunshine
like pennies on the tongue
rust
and regrets

You've Got Nothing To Prove

*  I received this book from
Blogging for Books for this review
I came upon this book at a very apt time in life.  Where I was feeling burnt out on Christianity.  Going to church every Sunday and even serving on multiple ministries.  But feeling tired all the time and knowing that there had to be more to life than this.  Guilt and shame and go, go, go!

Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen was so refreshing to read.  She assures readers that we are NOT enough.  None of us.  And the blessed reassurance we get is that that is OKAY.  Because Jesus is enough.  More than enough to cover all of our sins and shortcomings.  I have a mentor who tells me repeatedly to bask in the goodness of God and quit worrying and overthinking.  To pursue joy and this book hit upon all these things.  Nothing to Prove is a great reminder that the point of Christianity is in Christ alone.  So you can stop trying so hard.

A Brief Glimpse from a Young Woman's Perspective

I lost a friend today.
It was very unfortunate.
At first it was the same as usual
but as we walked to your car
I realized you were a bit too eager to see me.

The usual back pat turned into a stroke
and I found myself frozen
but smiling at you all the same
because you know...
I didn't want to make things weird.

As I chatter to keep my anxiety from showing
you interrupt and ask me about my T-shirt
leering down my rib cage to my belly button.
"Jesus I sing for all that you've done for me,"
you mutter, while I wonder whether you care about that at all.

"Oh, so you go to church?" you ask
and I say, "Yes, I do!"
"That's good!" you say and stroke my back again.
My body tells me to run but I refrain.
I say bye and turn to walk away.

You grab my hand and say,
"How about a hug?"
Before I can reply, you lean in.
Head under mine. I stiffen
but let myself be held.
Chest to breast instead of the usual quick side brush.

"You are nice. You are good.
We help each other," you say smiling.
This time he lets me free
and drives off,
leaving me with the heebie jeebies.