Emotional Baggage

I recently met someone very open and intense.  He hinted about things in his past that were ugly and dark.  We had only talked 5 times total.  And I wondered, "Why are you telling me this?"  Perhaps I should have been flattered.  That he'd trust me with these intimate details about his life.

But mostly, it made me think about how much I keep to myself.  My emotions don't fit in a dainty little purse, but a sack as big as the one Santa carries over his shoulder.  I probably carry more emotional baggage than the average person.  Not because I've had a traumatic childhood or that hard a life but because I've never gotten good at lightening my load.

I am too much of an introvert.  An internalizer.  Only when asked and even then, I might decline to answer the questioner.  Because I didn't want to burden anyone or let them come too close to me.  For I remember a dinner I had with a boy.  In which he asked about my family.  And I answered honestly.  And he looked surprised and said that I was surprisingly cheerful considering what I'd been through.  I smiled, but I didn't know my history had been so tragic until he had said it.

Sense and Seasons

you tasted like sunshine

like pennies on the tongue

rust

and regrets

A Brief Glimpse from a Young Woman's Perspective

I lost a friend today.
It was very unfortunate.
At first it was the same as usual
but as we walked to your car
I realized you were a bit too eager to see me.

The usual back pat turned into a stroke
and I found myself frozen
but smiling at you all the same
because you know...
I didn't want to make things weird.

As I chatter to keep my anxiety from showing
you interrupt and ask me about my T-shirt
leering down my rib cage to my belly button.
"Jesus I sing for all that you've done for me,"
you mutter, while I wonder whether you care about that at all.

"Oh, so you go to church?" you ask
and I say, "Yes, I do!"
"That's good!" you say and stroke my back again.
My body tells me to run but I refrain.
I say bye and turn to walk away.

You grab my hand and say,
"How about a hug?"
Before I can reply, you lean in.
Head under mine. I stiffen
but let myself be held.
Chest to breast instead of the usual quick side brush.

"You are nice. You are good.
We help each other," you say smiling.
This time he lets me free
and drives off,
leaving me with the heebie jeebies.

Who Are You?

The question as of late is, "Where have you been!?"

I've been mostly at home or working, but always deep in thought.  As a refresher, here is me in alphabetical order.

Artistic
Bibliophile
Cautious
Dreamer
Elusive
Fashion-minded (because i wouldn't consider myself fashionable per se)
Grim
Holy
Introverted
Jovial (trying to be more of this)
Klassy (which is to say that my fashion choices are sometimes not)
Lovely
Mischievous
Napper
Overanalyzer
Pensive
Queer (as in a bit strange. not LGBT-LMNOP)
Rational
Sassy
Truthful
Unpopular
Volatile
Winsome
eXtra special
Yellow
Zags instead of Zips

Write one yourself!  I want to read if yours sounds as all over the place as mine does.  Try to not include synonyms and not change adjectives that may not sound that positive.  I think it's a great mental exercise!

Views

At lunch today, we played personality quizzes.

In a table full of peaceful and deep blues and greens, I chose yellow.  And described it as bright, warm, and playful.

While most everyone chose the water element, I chose fire.  For it renews, offers light, and is warm.

When told to imagine being in a white room by myself with no windows or door and no explanation, I said that I'd be curious.  Naturally, I'd wonder, "Why am I here?"  Then, I'd be excited because my mind immediately thought of the scene in The Matrix where columns rush past and disappear.  And you know something strange and life-altering will happen.  No one could see me in that place so I'd run around like a fool and sing until my throat hurt.  I'd assume no one would know where I was.  I'd feel peaceful for this reason and just ease into sleep along the edge of one of the walls.

What did this reveal about me?

love love love

None of us knows how to love

[Exhibit A]
This is how i knew he loved me
he paid for everything so that i didn't have to worry
about money.  ever.
sent me to college.  bought me a car.
and said i could be whoever i wanted to be
before he left us all.
packed up and said goodbye
leaving us in tears.  begging.
but out the door he went.
i can't even remember if this really happened.
it was 2008.
payments still come in.
This is how i know he loves me

A Poem About Me

Wading through copious amounts of old emails and unfinished drafts of things and came upon this little number channeling my inner femme fatale.

i am the lady of lullabies

XX

hugs upon hugs

you should let me love you

no thank you

bless you

and your mother and your soul

while i eat your dreams for breakfast

half-dazed

bite your tongue

mother father

i am childless

barren desert

cactus bloom

i am your conscience

like sour milk

churning melodies

to this dizzying daydream

Since the Break Up

He goes to the bar and drinks with his friends
to vent about his day and talk about girls.
Girls
not women
because that's his type.
Underdeveloped
pretty young things.
He prefers hard liquor
that burns going down.
Work and then drinks.
Every day he hustles
and looks forward to those few happy hours.

Meanwhile, after work
she lies on a cheap bed
wearing clothes that are not her own
while an older man sticks her with needles.
Sometimes he warns her
"This will hurt a bit."
It doesn't.  Not compared to...
He then slips out silently while she naps.

Writing Longhand

"You know, cut and paste used to mean something completely different at one time."

- Michael Ondaatje

Is it Interesting?

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."

- William Wordsworth

Cut It Out

"I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."

 - Truman Capote

 
The topic of discussion for today is editing.  For me, editing takes the most time.  If it's a short post, there isn't much I need to do, but the longer my post becomes, the longer it sits in the draft pile before it's finally published.  Because I keep going back.  Rereading the whole thing and culling unnecessary words.  Sometimes, I even have to cut out entire sentences or paragraphs.

I'm sure you all edit your posts for grammatical errors, but do you also use the hypothetical scissors to trim your posts down?  I don't know about believing more in one instrument over the other.  Does anyone really like editing?

Your Public Thoughts

"Whatever is written and published is public.  More concerning is the idea that every word written on a computer is public.  Just assume that any words you write and send via e-mail, post on a blog, or place on a website are public words."

- Amy Peters

I don't know how I feel about that.  Some interesting movies about the internet and privacy that I recommend are United States of Secrets, Terms and Conditions May Apply, and Generation Like.  I saw all of them via Netflix and found them to be riveting.  And of course, there is the original The Matrix.  The world is a scary place people.  Stay informed about it.

Limerick is the Name of the Game

If you don't remember or are new, it's wordy Wednesday!  And I challenge you to write a limerick.

Limericks are funny poems.  It should have 5 lines total. Lines 1, 2, and 5 ending with the same rhyme and containing between 7-10 syllables.  Lines 3 and 4 are shorter with 5-7 syllables and rhyme with each other.  Here's a diagram that I wrote before I started writing my poems.  L = Line, R = Rhyme, and S = Syllable

L   R      S

1   A   7-10

2   A   7-10

3   B    5-7

4   B    5-7

5   A   7-10

Are you still with me?  Ugh, that looks like a nasty SAT math problem doesn't it?  But, I assure you it's not as complicated as it looks.  The prompt was to write a limerick about your favorite animal.  Here's what I came up with.

Mr. Swish, my beta fish, is very grumpy indeed
that is until it is time to feed.
He swims all around
without making a sound.
Begging for food until I concede.

How to Write Concisely

"Simple means getting rid of extra words.  Don't write, 'He was very happy' when you can write 'He was happy.'  You think the word 'very' adds something.  It doesn't."

- Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert comic strips)

Obviously, if you're writing comic strips, you'd have to be careful about your words because you only have so much space.  But being concise is appreciated by everyone, whether you're writing business e-mails, blogs, or tweets.  When I had to write papers in school, my rough drafts would always be under the word limit.  I despised the process of having to go back and add sentences to each paragraph simply to meet the requirement when I had already made my point by page __.

Blogging is different.  You can write as little or as much as you want to.  I also know that you can't force people to read it or even be sure they read the entirety of the post.  Help make the process easier for readers by editing.  Since most bloggers write about stuff we are excited about, it can be easy to go on a rant if we don't check ourselves.  Below is my checklist for simple writing.

1. Check for filler words like "very" or "really"
2. Make sure adjectives serve a purpose
3. Check for redundancy.  For example, "absolute favorite"
4. As a personal choice, I avoid exaggerations.  For example, the word obsessed, is defined by Webster's dictionary as "to haunt or trouble in mind, esp. to an abnormal degree; preoccupy greatly" or adore, which means "to worship as divine; to love greatly or honor highly; idolize."
5. Catch yourself when you go on a tangent and delete those sentences accordingly.  You can always save them for another post.

I Am No Genius, Are You?

"I'm a full-time believer in writing habits.  You may be able to do without them if you have genius but most of us only have talent and this is simply something that has to be assisted all the time by physical and mental habits or it dries up and blows away."

- Flannery O'Connor

Springtime Haikus

I feel like a broken record to continually tell you all that whatever it is you want to accomplish, you need to make a habit of it and keep doing it in spite of your fear and reservations and lack of time.  So today, I give you a haiku exercise.  The Writer's Devotional said to write one about your favorite season.  I'm not sure that I have a favorite season but I'm looking forward to spring "because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket."  Do you know where this quote is from?  keke

Keep Writing (or Whatever it is that You Do)

"What I write when I force myself is generally just as good as what I write when I'm feeling inspired.  It's mainly a matter of forcing yourself to write."

- Tom Wolfe

I haven't read anything of Tom Wolfe's but he spent more than 25 years writing investigative non-fiction and is considered a father in the field.  I'll keep it short today.  Stick to the positive habits you've created.  I made a posting schedule with this blog early on and I haven't missed a day.  It's actually the posts that I decided to write on a whim that are sitting in my draft pile, while the "forced" ones are the ones that I actually publish.  Perseverance wins over inspiration almost every time.

What actions have you successfully implemented since the new year began?

The Trick to Being Creative

Whether you are just in a slump or you think the creativity gene just missed you, everyone can be creative.  The trick is to break out of your usual routine, to startle your brain with something new.  Most of us function on autopilot due to habit so the only way to rewire those brain networks is to confuse and challenge it.  Even Albert Einstein needed help to think more creatively.  So, he picked up the violin.  Winston Churchill learned how to paint landscapes.  It doesn't matter what activity you choose so long it's something of interest to you.

I've dabbled in painting, book making, cross-stitching, kickboxing, baking, doll making, and the like.  I agree with Salvador Dali who said, “Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.” And “if you hear a voice within you say, ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced,”  said Vincent Van Gogh.

The Words are Already There

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible."

- Vladimir Nabokov

Do you feel writing is like this?  Or is it like coaxing plants to bloom through a layer of stubborn and cruel snow?

Get Dressed & Show Up

Yep, I got pants on and even shoes

"It's so easy to fool yourself into thinking that you're working hard.  It's so easy not to write.  So you use any trick you can to make yourself know there's work to be done.  That's why I wear a jacket and tie when I sit down to write."

- Robert Caro