Emotional Baggage

I recently met someone very open and intense.  He hinted about things in his past that were ugly and dark.  We had only talked 5 times total.  And I wondered, "Why are you telling me this?"  Perhaps I should have been flattered.  That he'd trust me with these intimate details about his life.

But mostly, it made me think about how much I keep to myself.  My emotions don't fit in a dainty little purse, but a sack as big as the one Santa carries over his shoulder.  I probably carry more emotional baggage than the average person.  Not because I've had a traumatic childhood or that hard a life but because I've never gotten good at lightening my load.

I am too much of an introvert.  An internalizer.  Only when asked and even then, I might decline to answer the questioner.  Because I didn't want to burden anyone or let them come too close to me.  For I remember a dinner I had with a boy.  In which he asked about my family.  And I answered honestly.  And he looked surprised and said that I was surprisingly cheerful considering what I'd been through.  I smiled, but I didn't know my history had been so tragic until he had said it.

Sense and Seasons

you tasted like sunshine

like pennies on the tongue

rust

and regrets

A Brief Glimpse from a Young Woman's Perspective

I lost a friend today.
It was very unfortunate.
At first it was the same as usual
but as we walked to your car
I realized you were a bit too eager to see me.

The usual back pat turned into a stroke
and I found myself frozen
but smiling at you all the same
because you know...
I didn't want to make things weird.

As I chatter to keep my anxiety from showing
you interrupt and ask me about my T-shirt
leering down my rib cage to my belly button.
"Jesus I sing for all that you've done for me,"
you mutter, while I wonder whether you care about that at all.

"Oh, so you go to church?" you ask
and I say, "Yes, I do!"
"That's good!" you say and stroke my back again.
My body tells me to run but I refrain.
I say bye and turn to walk away.

You grab my hand and say,
"How about a hug?"
Before I can reply, you lean in.
Head under mine. I stiffen
but let myself be held.
Chest to breast instead of the usual quick side brush.

"You are nice. You are good.
We help each other," you say smiling.
This time he lets me free
and drives off,
leaving me with the heebie jeebies.

Who Are You?

The question as of late is, "Where have you been!?"

I've been mostly at home or working, but always deep in thought.  As a refresher, here is me in alphabetical order.

Artistic
Bibliophile
Cautious
Dreamer
Elusive
Fashion-minded (because i wouldn't consider myself fashionable per se)
Grim
Holy
Introverted
Jovial (trying to be more of this)
Klassy (which is to say that my fashion choices are sometimes not)
Lovely
Mischievous
Napper
Overanalyzer
Pensive
Queer (as in a bit strange. not LGBT-LMNOP)
Rational
Sassy
Truthful
Unpopular
Volatile
Winsome
eXtra special
Yellow
Zags instead of Zips

Write one yourself!  I want to read if yours sounds as all over the place as mine does.  Try to not include synonyms and not change adjectives that may not sound that positive.  I think it's a great mental exercise!

Views

At lunch today, we played personality quizzes.

In a table full of peaceful and deep blues and greens, I chose yellow.  And described it as bright, warm, and playful.

While most everyone chose the water element, I chose fire.  For it renews, offers light, and is warm.

When told to imagine being in a white room by myself with no windows or door and no explanation, I said that I'd be curious.  Naturally, I'd wonder, "Why am I here?"  Then, I'd be excited because my mind immediately thought of the scene in The Matrix where columns rush past and disappear.  And you know something strange and life-altering will happen.  No one could see me in that place so I'd run around like a fool and sing until my throat hurt.  I'd assume no one would know where I was.  I'd feel peaceful for this reason and just ease into sleep along the edge of one of the walls.

What did this reveal about me?