Snip Snip Shoot

Fall's approaching and I itch for change.  This year, I decided that I wanted to try red.  And finally grow my hair out long.  And be gloriously toasty tan.  Well, I did it.  And now I'm bored.  The tips of my hair are fried and my perm unraveling and who cares about being pretty anymore?  I don't have anymore weddings to go to this year.

I looked through my old pinterest hair boards and I realize that I've had some variation of short to mid-length wavy hair for years now.  And I don't want to return to it.

Invisibility

If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?

Lots of people say invisibility, but I would never wish for such a thing.

love love love

None of us knows how to love

[Exhibit A]
This is how i knew he loved me
he paid for everything so that i didn't have to worry
about money.  ever.
sent me to college.  bought me a car.
and said i could be whoever i wanted to be
before he left us all.
packed up and said goodbye
leaving us in tears.  begging.
but out the door he went.
i can't even remember if this really happened.
it was 2008.
payments still come in.
This is how i know he loves me

No Middle

I have a problem.  I only have 2 settings.  Being 0 or 100.

At work, I frequently have to bind journals.  I still can't get the hang of them.  You're supposed to pull it down and release the lever immediately when you feel the resistance.  But I either come on too soft or much too strong.  I either make the journals too loose and the covers slip off with the slightest touch or I push too hard and the journal has trouble closing.  I don't know when to stop.

A Poem About Me

Wading through copious amounts of old emails and unfinished drafts of things and came upon this little number channeling my inner femme fatale.

i am the lady of lullabies
XX
hugs upon hugs
you should let me love you
no thank you
bless you
and your mother and your soul
while i eat your dreams for breakfast
half-dazed
bite your tongue
mother father
i am childless
barren desert
cactus bloom
i am your conscience
like sour milk
churning melodies
to this dizzying daydream

Since the Break Up

He goes to the bar and drinks with his friends
to vent about his day and talk about girls.
Girls
not women
because that's his type.
Underdeveloped
pretty young things.
He prefers hard liquor
that burns going down.
Work and then drinks.
Every day he hustles
and looks forward to those few happy hours.

Meanwhile, after work
she lies on a cheap bed
wearing clothes that are not her own
while an older man sticks her with needles.
Sometimes he warns her
"This will hurt a bit."
It doesn't.  Not compared to...
He then slips out silently while she naps.

Redhead

For whatever reason, I thought redheads would have more fun.

If We Were Houses

I've been building a place to call home.

For the longest time, I didn't care for my house at all because I was sure he was coming.  So I waited by the window for him, using only about a quarter of the house.  "I know it's not ideal, but once he comes, then I'll put money down and we'll renovate together," I reasoned.  I looked out for him day and night.  Waiting.  Waiting, I thought, quite patiently.  For years.  Until it slowly dawned on me that perhaps there wasn't anyone coming.  That I had to live in this big ol' house.  Alone.

And I cried.  All those years wasted.

Finally, I stopped crying.  I rubbed my eyes and looked around.  Time to get to work.  I took sheets off the furniture and faced what lay underneath.  I found books I had forgotten I had bought.  And clothes that begged to be worn.  Lots of items saved for rainy days that would never come.

The Lobster

Lonely.  Love is a fantasy.  Partner up based on lies.

Catch 22

I don't understand when guys brag about being awesome at grilling meat.  Meat is the easiest thing to cook.  If you can make vegetables delicious, then you've got my interest.

I remember telling my coworker once that I just wanted a guy who would cut fruit for me.  She laughed and said I was asking for the impossible.  But there were two guys that did.  One just offered.  And one cut me an apple because I asked him to.

I might have dated either of them had they asked.  But they never did.  Maybe because they worked under me.  Finally, I brought up a guy that I had a slight interest in to one of them.  He and his friend said, "Of course you'd only be interested in someone who drove a nice car."  Or "Of course, you'd be attracted to a very tall guy."  "You stupid gremlin," I wanted to say.  If you asked me, I'd say yes too.  You cowardous fool you.

The Unicorn and the Possum

I had lunch with the girls today.  One shared a personality game kind of story and we all went around the table sharing our answers.  My answer was so hilarious I thought I'd share it.

It starts with, "You enter a forest.  What animal do you see?''  Don't think about it.  Just give your instinctive answer.  Some of the answers shared were bear, deer, rabbit, sheep, lion, and dog.  I said unicorn because they are amazing, pure, and majestic.

Be Unique

I definitely think God has a sense of humor.  I went to Unique LA today to work a booth for Cardtorial.  It was my first show and I was pretty excited because hello! You're supporting local businesses.  My boss encouraged me to attend an informational meeting a couple weeks before and I distinctly remember the speaker saying think about your presentation, of the booth but your brand in general.  And to wear comfortable shoes.

The booth was already handled by my boss so the only thing I could control was me.  I wanted to be an extension of our brand.  All of our products are made of wood.  And we were pushing for our new floral monogram products.

I like to know details about events so that I can dress the part.  The California Market Center is somewhere I used to work before so I knew it could get very cold.  First things first, I put on my yellow suede sneakers which I knew would get me through the entire day.  Matching the yellow, I put on a lemon print top.  I also selected a green flowy trench that I needed to wash.  I was debating between shorts but ultimately went with my golden skirt because I wanted to keep it slightly more professional.  And off I went to work the booth.

The Beauty Inside

Changeling falls in love.  A woman needs time to adjust.  A+

Burned

Usually, I don't recall my dreams.  The ones I do recall, I am being chased, I'm looking for a clean bathroom to relieve myself, or I'm wandering around a huge mall looking for someone.  Monday, I woke up and vividly remembered my dream.

I was on fire.  Driving.  Gushes of fire intermittently came from the left.  And yet I kept driving through.  My foot on the accelerator.  My face got burned.  My legs.  Finally, I rolled out of the car.  But when I did.  I sensed hesitation from the bystanders to help me.  So, I kept burning limply.  My face was burned the most.  At first I was irritated.  "Why isn't someone doing anything to help me?!"  But after a minute, I felt a sense of relief.  Like, this is how I look now. This is what I am.  And I woke up.

Anyone know anything about dreams?  I looked it up online.  My findings said that dreams about being burned in fire meant the dreamer's temper was getting out of control.  I recall a conversation that happened Sunday evening and I suppose yes, I am mad.  There are so many more things that I wanted to express but I held it in.  As usual.  Two days later, I'm ill.  Still burning.

Whispering Into the Wind



I remember the first blog I started said "A girl whispering into the wind" in the header because I felt like I was talking out loud to no one in particular.  A small voice that would be drowned out in the maelstrom that is the world wide web.  I didn't expect anyone to read my blog.  I actually did not want my friends to read it.  Because it allowed me total freedom.  I didn't have to worry about offending anyone.

And the few blogs that I did follow?  I stalked silently with nary a comment.  Maybe it's because I'm an introvert.  Maybe it's because I'm a pessimist, but while everyone is putting themselves out there wanting to connect with someone, I kept to the sidelines and remained a bystander.

Why didn't I share my two cents?  Demonstrate a little, "Props to you!  I'm really glad you're sharing this."  I know that I'm not an expert in anything.  Why should you listen to me?  But karma is a real B____.

No matter.  Here I am if you want a little something to tickle your ears.  And if you have any blogs that you'd recommend, lemme know in the comments section.

I Don't Play Favorites

This is another analogy of mine about guys and relationships.  Sheesh, how many do I have of these?

It all started in the 4th grade.  When self-consciousness crept in on everyone.  Growing pains hit and I started losing my baby fat.  Suddenly, boys started treating me differently.  Whispers of crushes were everywhere or I'd catch a classmate staring at me for a second too long.  What happened to these guys?! Why couldn't we all just be friends?

And my girlfriends were in on it too.  If they caught me talking to a guy, they would tease me and say, "Oooooh, you have a crush on _______!"  I really hated that.  And since then, I vowed to treat all guys the same.  I sort of carry this philosophy of not playing favorites with everything, but especially my shoes.  As you can see, I have quite a number of them.

Can you pick a favorite among these?


I Get Lonely Too

In the words of Drake, I get lonely too.

Lately, I feel incompetent as a female.  Like a hungry female lion that grew up in a zoo and doesn't know how to hunt.  I feel stupid for not having this skill that seems so innate to others.  I'm frustrated with myself and I know that from the outside, it looks pitiful too.  A starving lion that seemingly has all the tools and resources to be gorging on human flesh.  If only I knew how to hunt.

Fasting

Our church is holding a week-long fast so I shall be away.  No more TV, phone, radio, solid foods, or sweets.  I anticipate that the hardest part will be having no more music to listen to.  I've gotten quite attached to some songs and I listen to them as I get ready in the morning.  As for the actual fasting, I am eager to do it.  I need this kind of discipline in my life in order to focus and get my head on straight.  I've been wanting to read through my old journals since the weekend but haven't had the opportunity.  Now, I'll have loads of time.  While I am at it, I will also be taking a vow of silence.  Because I talk at God too much.  See you next week!