Emotional Baggage

I recently met someone very open and intense.  He hinted about things in his past that were ugly and dark.  We had only talked 5 times total.  And I wondered, "Why are you telling me this?"  Perhaps I should have been flattered.  That he'd trust me with these intimate details about his life.

But mostly, it made me think about how much I keep to myself.  My emotions don't fit in a dainty little purse, but a sack as big as the one Santa carries over his shoulder.  I probably carry more emotional baggage than the average person.  Not because I've had a traumatic childhood or that hard a life but because I've never gotten good at lightening my load.

I am too much of an introvert.  An internalizer.  Only when asked and even then, I might decline to answer the questioner.  Because I didn't want to burden anyone or let them come too close to me.  For I remember a dinner I had with a boy.  In which he asked about my family.  And I answered honestly.  And he looked surprised and said that I was surprisingly cheerful considering what I'd been through.  I smiled, but I didn't know my history had been so tragic until he had said it.

I never heard from this boy again.

It's only now that I realize that perhaps I had been too honest.  That there was such a thing as being too honest.  In retrospect, perhaps I had been the person that was too intense and scared someone off.  I don't make that mistake anymore.  I only tell my secrets to those whom I trust.  Those I want to stay in my life for a long time.  The hard part is that I have gotten so choosy.

I realize now that I must find someone to help me carry the load or else I feel I shall be crushed.  I am scouting someone who will not groan under its weight.  Or give up and abandon me when he sees just how much I'm carrying.  What I've grown so accustomed to concealing.  I wait for someone who will eventually let me rest from the weight of it.  To open up the bag with me and let loose the demons that have weighing me down.  A magical healer.  A longstanding, patient prince.  I wait for you.

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