Catch 22

I don't understand when guys brag about being awesome at grilling meat.  Meat is the easiest thing to cook.  If you can make vegetables delicious, then you've got my interest.

I remember telling my coworker once that I just wanted a guy who would cut fruit for me.  She laughed and said I was asking for the impossible.  But there were two guys that did.  One just offered.  And one cut me an apple because I asked him to.

I might have dated either of them had they asked.  But they never did.  Maybe because they worked under me.  Finally, I brought up a guy that I had a slight interest in to one of them.  He and his friend said, "Of course you'd only be interested in someone who drove a nice car."  Or "Of course, you'd be attracted to a very tall guy."  "You stupid gremlin," I wanted to say.  If you asked me, I'd say yes too.  You cowardous fool you.

Recently, a friend told me that a woman she looked up to and really respected told her that if she wanted to get married, it was okay to marry someone even 10 years older.  Of course, if a man is 35 years old and still single, it probably means something is wrong with him and she should be careful, but at least he'd have experience and know how to treat a woman.  The alternative was that she should pick someone around her age who is very nice and just be willing to teach him everything from A to Z.  Just so long as he was nice.  I'm talking insanely nice.

This made me rather sad.  Because either she'll get the losing hand every time over his experience.  Or she's somehow settling and having to deal with a child's ineptitude and probably a lot of her heart being bruised because she's given it to a well-meaning, but bungling newb.

It makes it sound like to be in a relationship with someone on an even playing field, you need to choose some kind-hearted sap whose number one trait is simply kindness.  Not accept but initiate too.  From my experience, "nice guys" tend to be so shy you need to lead them or else crazy, stupid bold to the point of making me uncomfortable and botching up whatever relationship we did have.  And if I'm being honest, I find kindness to be somewhat burdensome.  Because I've been befriended by saints before.  They always made me feel like I was accruing this debt that I could not repay.  Needless to say, I've never been with a "nice guy" for long.

Even if I got over that fear and I ended up with a nice guy, it'd be like the blind leading the blind.  What would I  have to teach him?  I get a feeling that his shortcomings and failures would disappoint me, and I'd let him know, but inadvertently crush his spirit.  Because I've always been forthright.  Slowly, I'd see the hurt in his eyes and stop telling him things because I wouldn't be able to express the reason behind my frustration in a nice way.  So, I'd figure he's doing the best he can and I just need to get over it.  My own heart growing heavy with hurt.  I'd smile less and try harder.  And he'd feel me shrinking.  We'd end up hurting each other even if we didn't mean to.

Maybe I'm overthinking things.  But if these are the only options presented, I am glad to be alone.

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