No Middle

I have a problem.  I only have 2 settings.  Being 0 or 100.

At work, I frequently have to bind journals.  I still can't get the hang of them.  You're supposed to pull it down and release the lever immediately when you feel the resistance.  But I either come on too soft or much too strong.  I either make the journals too loose and the covers slip off with the slightest touch or I push too hard and the journal has trouble closing.  I don't know when to stop.

I have the same issue when it comes to relationships.  In elementary school, for example, I distinctly remember waiting for my mom to pick me up from my after school academy.  I waited longer than most other kids.  The director took pity on me one day and called me to the computer room.  He asked me if I had ever played Scrabble.  I hadn't.  Being the word nerd that I am, I loved it.  That day, my mom picked me up too early.

The next day, I approached the director and asked whether we could play Scrabble again.  He indulged me.  What can I say, I was hooked!  I think I asked him every day after that whether we could play.  Of course, he grew tired of this.  He started saying, no, he had to work on stuff.  Or why don't I read a book instead?  I don't remember how I took this, but in hindsight I am sad and embarrassed that I made him regret having ever teaching me the game of Scrabble.

In dressing myself, I'm the same 0 to 100 mentality.  I am either dressed like a bum and wearing no makeup because no one will see me or I'm dressed to impress.  To kill.

Recently, I borrowed a bunch of DVDs from my friend and she commented on my selection.  She said, "Uhh Sophie.  Your taste in movies is... interesting.  It's either rom-coms or really dark stuff."  I didn't realize it until she said it aloud but I suppose it was.  I am either a super hopeful romantic (a la Before Sunrise) or I am extremely pessimistic/realistic and believe that love doesn't exist or that regardless of it, it will not end well (like Revolutionary Road).  A lady of the night of child of the morning.  Frigidly cold or burning hot.

Knowing this about myself, I realize that I am not very good with relationships.  I either don't hold onto a person at all so that they slip away from me or I like them so much and am trying my very best not to smother them.  Constantly checking myself and not doing X, Y, or Z because I don't want them to regret having met me or talked to me.  I'm either not thinking of people at all or I'm obsessed with them.

Why can't we love each other at the same time to the same degree?  I look forward to a day when I meet someone who matches my enthusiasm for them.  Because it's so exhausting when one person loves the other more.  Following the same vein, I am looking forward to watching Equals.

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