love love love

None of us knows how to love

[Exhibit A]
This is how i knew he loved me
he paid for everything so that i didn't have to worry
about money.  ever.
sent me to college.  bought me a car.
and said i could be whoever i wanted to be
before he left us all.
packed up and said goodbye
leaving us in tears.  begging.
but out the door he went.
i can't even remember if this really happened.
it was 2008.
payments still come in.
This is how i know he loves me

[Exhibit B]
This is why I thought he loved me
he said things like, "i guess i'll have to be your best friend"
or "do you need me to take care of you?"
and i said no because i didn't think he was serious.
i didn't know that no would mean total abandonment
filling me with all sorts of doubts and regrets for
he was the only one that had talked to me not just about my past and present
but the future
and that  i realize is what wrecked me
i thought, "here is someone who would love me."
but then i was so utterly mistaken.

[Exhibit C]
This is how I knew he'd love me
it was only the second date but in that car ride
with those two young girls in the back
i could see the end so clearly
both of us so polite and altogether awkward
him irritated at me for being late
me trying to lighten the mood and keep the conversation going
but mostly silence.
later, he'd buy each of us food or gifts
as though that would bridge the disconnect.
perhaps he did love me but all i saw was
a repeat of my parents' failed marriage
a relationship i didn't want to be in

I didn't know what to title this post so it's simply called love love love.  Love Love Love by Epik High is a song my high school best friend introduced to me.  It was my ring tone for years.  We don't talk anymore but sometimes I miss those carefree days.

No comments:

Post a Comment